Jukai Talk

I want to talk to you today about what my experience of being the jikido of our zendo has been like for me and what the experience of the jukai ceremony and giving this talk means to me.
In my tenure as jikido I have basically tried to make sure that our zendo is a functioning place for us to do zazen and to hear our teacher speak. I have tried to make sure that our sittings start on time, dues are collected and organized, sesshin announcements are sent out by e mail and times are kept accurately during our sittings - among other things. At times I have enjoyed these tasks and other times I have resented the responsibility and I have complained a lot. Last year was a difficult one for me involving being sued by my landlord, going to court and then finally moving from my home of nine years. Within that context sometimes I thought that if I had to shop for more oryoke supplies yet again, I would just scream and quit. The whole of last year was a great challenge and this position of jikido was a great challenge too because I want to practice well and help to create an environment and community so all of us can practice well. So the question I ask is "how do I practice well and handle all the challenges that life presents?" Aitken Roshi says one way is to defend, the other is to dance.
The Eighth Grave Precept, Not Sparing the Dharma Assets is interesting in regard to my attitude. But first lets understand what is meant by the Dharma Assets. The "Dharma Assets" can be described this way and notice the active rather than passive description that Dogen uses: "The treasury of precious things opens of itself. You may take them and use them any way you like." The emptiness that is charged with possibilities. All of my whining, complaining and frustration are Asset killers by this definition and I succeed violating the eighth precept. As a result every issue large or small, legitimate or not takes on a weight and significance where none exists. My complaints and frustrations concerning all the details to attend to and lack of time to devote to them stick deep inside my head creating one defensive thought, one fear, one complaint after another - in a field of tall grasses, all tangled-up.
"One phrase, one verse - that is the ten thousand things and one hundred grasses; one dharma, one realization - that is all Buddhas and Ancestral Teachers. Therefore, from the beginning, there has been no stinginess at all." Dogen Zenji
How can I practice with all of this? Just by sitting with it. Sitting in the tall grasses with all the delusions and attachments that I create. Not trying to make them go away - how do you do that? - just by saying yes to everything. Yes to showing up early to train students that never arrive, yes to shopping for more oryoke supplies, yes to scary court appearances, yes to moving and yes to just sitting here with the din of life's noise inside my head. The thing that happened is that after a while I didn't have to say yes anymore, there was just the next thing to do. Without the commentary and the desire for events to go a certain way all the pressure was off and the "emptiness that is charged with possibilities" came more into focus. Events perceived as problems didn't take over my brain the same way. My attention and sense of responsibility was still present but without the criticism. Eventually I was better able to respond directly to the next thing in my life and I wasn't taking it or my self so seriously. I don't know if this is dancing quite yet but I do feel lighter on my feet. And the world does look different.
As far as this experience of the ceremony and my giving this talk, I have to say that I didn't want to do it. I said that I didn't want to be the center of attention, and that I didn't have the proper amount of time to devote to memorizing verse and to preparing my talk and no time to think about what this all means to me within the context of my practice. More complaints, more defensiveness. These past few weeks have been an exercise in sitting with nervousness and fear and lots of imagined thoughts of how badly this day could go. What am I afraid of? I am afraid of all the possibilities of what this day holds. Now there's an abstraction. If I decide to be used by my abstraction I am stuck in my self-centered dream once again and really suffering in the process. I decided that I would be here today just nervous and scared and watch the day unfold the way it is. I am grateful for this opportunity to learn.

Catherine Newman
3 February 2001

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